In life, there's nothing more fun than to make yourself a social outcast. To help you in your quest to be completely unlikable, I'll give you a few guidelines as to how to go about being a total douchebag.
- Never shower
- And I mean never. It's ok to occasionally wipe yourself off with paper towels, especially if you've been rolling around in the mud (Or in your own bedsheets that haven't been washed in a few years. I mean, they used to be white but now they appear to be some combination of brown, yellow, and ... green?).
- If you have to be outside in the rain, use an umbrella. That way a minimal amount of sludge will get washed off of your skin, hair, and clothes. The grungier you are, the better.
- Pretend not to know how to say common English words
- "Yesterday I went to McDonalds to, uh... eat. Yeah, and after I did that I was sitting in my... what do you call it? Car, yes, that's it."
- Alternatively, you could use irrationally big words to describe simple things, such as "Yesterday at noon I ate."
- "Sometime less than twenty-four hours ago just as the Latin sol appeared to approach complete right angle status with respect to the Tellurian Sphere in our Milky Way Galaxy, particles composed of proteins and sugars moved in space in a directional vector toward the cavitas oris (also known as: mouth) so as to fulfill my desires to survive by consuming energy-providing molecules at a macro scale."
- If you were to translate everything you say into this kind of expanded language, imagine how much of other peoples' time you could waste!
- Additionally, you could just stop talking mid-sentence and draw little figures in the air with your finger or pretend to not know how to speak english at all. Just mumble in short gibberish phrases every once in a while and expect the other person to know exactly what you're talking about.
- Litter
- Look for ways beyond being lazy to toss items that don't belong in certain places into those certain places, especially if it provides an inconvenience for a maximum number of people.
- You could make it personal by ripping the shirt off a person walking down the sidewalk next to you and throw it into the dirtiest puddle you can find. Advantages and disadvantages to performing such an act on a male or female bystander:
- Males - They're stronger than females so if they decide to give you a beating, a beating it shall be. Unless it's a puny little white kid, in which case you may as well go for his pants too.
- Females - Not necessarily as strong, but their anger may provide an adrenaline rush seeing as how it's way more inaproppriate to remove a woman's shirt without her consent. Plus they have longer fingernails, sharpened to kill. And who knows what's in their purses?
- You can take hard, especially breakable, object and throw them at passing cars. This can be done either while standing, on bike, or in a car.
- Car - You'll have to be driving and throwing at the same time, and that could be difficult. Unless you have a potato gun, in which case the fun factor overwhelms everything else. Especially if you're shooting at cops. I don't advocate this in any way.
- Bike - You won't be able to carry as much ammunition as standers or car-ers because it's just you, a bike, and your backpack. A few good glass bottles should do the trick.
- Standing - You'll be able to hit more cars and have a virtual endless supply of ammunition. You can throw anything from rubber balls to aforementioned glass bottles and even large rocks, bowling balls, and television sets.
- Of course, there's always the good ol' method of throwing trash out your window or on the ground when you've finished eating your 81st twinkie.
- "Use the restroom" in public. But without the restroom. Do it in a place as dense with bystanders as possible. 'Nuff said.
- Use your car like a pair of shoes and drive over everything.
- Shout "Hey, what's up buddy!?" as you're driving over his lawn up to his front door in your crew cab pickup truck. Have a conversation with him as he stares at you for making huge gashes in his lawn and then peal out of there, spraying as much mud, grass, and dirt as you can at his windows, car, and clothes.
- This tactic is especially useful if you have a lot of gardener friends as they'll have a lot of "open space" that you can drive on and destroy, allowing you to get as close as possible to him/her as you're conversing. Also, it makes your car nice and pretty after a few runs what with flowers and vegetables sticking out of your grill and whatnot.
- Take things off other peoples' plates when at restaurants
- While talking, reach across the table and grab your buddy's girlfriend's fresh buttered roll right out from under her nose while telling the whole table about how you once caught a fish with your teeth and skinned it with your ear. This will impress them and show them who's really in charge - you.
- You can either be very sneaky about what you take, who you take from, and who sees you do it. It just depends on environment variables such as table size, amount of friends present, amount of food remaining, amount of collective hunger remaining, and how many jail sentences you've already served in that county.
- Don't be afraid to spice things up by changing these guidelines a little bit. For example, instead of taking you could be courteous and give. Don't like that gravy that came with your mashed potatoes? No problem. Just spoon it onto that lady's spaghetti. She'll probably enjoy it!
- Write insane blogs about things that don't matter.
- Trust me, I've never made more friends than by doing this right here.
- No, really.
- I like having at least three bulletins on each list, OK?
Clearly, I believe I have shown several ways for you to cut out the middleman and go straight for the glory. It's more important that you enjoy your methods rather than optimizing them for effectiveness because, let's face it, you aren't going to have much fun afterward anyway! Happy alienating!
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