Sometimes you look at a person and say, "This person belongs to stereotype
X. I don't like those kinds of people." Sometimes it's hard to put your finger on exactly what group they are in, though. This is why today I will attempt to make clear certain stereotypes and show how to deal with its people.
Stereotype:
Person who always has a fancy-szhmancy Bluetooth phone headset on.Problem: Aside from the fact that they usually just look retarded, you never can tell if they're talking to you or to someone on the phone. For example, if you're taking their order or checking them out in a line, you always have to look up to see if they're talking to you, even if they say the stupidest things. Sometimes they can say things to their conversation buddies that mess you up, such as "no, don't do that, you're an idiot," or my personal favorite, "I'm going to take you out back and murder you."
Solution: None. Or, if you're bold, ask the person to hang up. Or, if you're really bold, you can take ask them to politely remove the headset and hand it to you. You then promptly break off the earpiece and then throw it out as far into nature as your arm will allow. You then ask them, "Would you like fries with that?"
Stereotype: Slow-walking person in front of you (in a tight space).Problem: You just can't pass them. It's like you're stuck behind them but you can't ask them to move faster. You're stuck in the slow lane and everybody is passing you by. Kind of like a retard mistakenly enrolled in the regular Olympics.
Solution: You actually could ask them to move faster. Sometimes though it's just old people who can't hear very well so you may have to take more drastic action depending on the rate of slowness and length of said space. Alternatives of action might be something as simple as edging around them, as sneaky as crawling under their legs, or as violent as punching them in the back of the head or shoving them into the aisle full of knives. Your call.
Stereotype:
Big fat guy in front of you in line at insert_restaurant_here (though probably McD's)Problem: Pretty much everything. I mean, you're standing behind a big fat guy. The only time it wouldn't be a problem would be if you have a strange fetish for obesity. (Shun!)
Solution: Um, well, this is the part where you get to be creative. It could be something as simple as secretly exchanging his cup full of waist-size-increasing soda for a good ol' cup-o-water when he isn't looking (but he'll probably notice). What might do it is if you "accidentally," I don't know, "trip" and push him over the counter. Maybe he'll slide on his skin-grease all the way back into the kitchen and realize what kind of crap the place is really pumping out and see the disgusting unhealthy nature of the double bypass...er double quarter pounder that he's shoving down his gullet. The last alternative would be to steal his wallet since, let's face it, he can't feel anything in that huge behind area of his.
Stereotype: Douchebag Frat BoyProblem: We all know the disposition of these "better-than-you" guys (or in some cases girls) who would like nothing better to grab the rest of their homosexual fraternity brothers, circle around you, and sing Kumbaya while roasting hot dogs... in a fire that you seem to be directly in the middle of.
Solution: Unfortunately, these kinds of people are usually hopeless. Now I'm not saying all frat boys are douchebags, I'm saying that all douchebag frat boys fall under this category. Sometimes the only way to kick a guy's butt nice and hard is with love. Lots of it. So much love it's like a cupid shooting an arrow into a chapel where 9000 couples are getting married and having their honeymoons in the same room. Too much? Yeah, bad mental picture. Your best
bed bet will be to pretend to like him and get along while avoiding him at all costs when he and his brothers are doing... whatever it is that they do. I have not hinted at that up in the previous paragraph. Also, if he is a fat ogre he might fall into the previous catagory so both solutions may apply.
Stereotype: Illegal Mexican ImmigrantProblem: They're everywhere. And stealing our jobs.
Solution: Quit complaining. They do the jobs you wouldn't want to do with a better attitude and higher quality than you would give while you are being paid more money for the exact same job. If you don't like it, then you suck it up and do what it takes to be respected in your workplace. If you don't, someone else will and I can't guarantee they'll be here legally. Although if they are, a good towel soaked in chloroform + taking his keys and stealing his blue/green 84 Chevy pickup + driving him to the local immigration office while still unconscious may work wonders. Just be prepared for his
amigos as you walk out because you'll be in for a
fiesta you never thought could be so crazy. (Word of wisdom: a concealed handgun license is attainable in Texas. Use with extreme caution.)
So this is my quite abbreviated list of peoples to look out for and deal with accordingly. Now for some quick testimonials:
"Before gaining the widsdom that only Drew can give, I was but a mere peasant of knowledge. Now that I have cold hard facts to back up my intuition about stereotypical groups, I can deal with them in the best way possible! Thanks for making my life so much easier!"
- Dwayne, Michigan
"I used to hate everyone without a reason. Now I have good reason to hate specific kinds of people. Boy, does this make me feel better about myself!"
- Richard, Idaho
"I think I fall into one of these categories... Better change my act up real quick!"
- Mason, New Jersey
"What did you say happened to those Christmas lights I thought I threw away last year?"
- Dave, Alabama
"I'm crushing my Bluetooth headset as we speak. Now I know why people's disposition changes when I threaten to mass murder my coworkers! Thanks for simplifying my life and making me less hated as a human being!"
- Shelly, California
"Ayayaye!"
- Carlos Juan Salvador-Luis Monterrey Lopez, Undisclosed location
So as you can see, real people's lives have been changed by a few words of wisdom. Well, except for that one hating guy. Don't know what his problem is...
Anyway, don't be afraid to cross-stereotype people. Some people will fit well into two or more categories (or possibly all five). In that case, use your best judgment. Also, leave me a comment and tell me what you think about my inerrant advice or any extra nuggets of information you might share with me and my slew of readers.
Comments (2)
it was funny. lol
but-- if i had to point out issues with it, it's that not everything from the list was really a stereotype because of it's specificity. also, even real stereotypes are shallow and inherently (by definition) full of fallacies. now, if you were to take out the whole concept and idea of stereotyping (which is merely a generalized perception of first impressions and leads to prejudices and false assumptions), and just focus on those specific type of people who do those specific annoying things you mentioned and wrote about, then i completely agree with you on them.
just one example: a stereotype would be "anyone who wears bluetooth sets is annoying and retarded". it's an illogical argument by nature. but to describe "THOSE" people who do wear bluetooth sets all the time and do all those irritating things you wrote about.... is funny, and observational humor. which yeah, is also what you did.
anyways, sorry that comment was long, i was just being nitpicky and annoying. i'll read more xanga soon
Well the "problem" is the stereotype in most cases as you might be able to tell. Not all of them though. This one post was the result of about five sessions of writing a little bit and saving (which is why it's also a bit incoherent) and I didn't bother to read what I had previously written, so it isn't all consistent. Throughout the whole post, however, I'm basically describing people who I don't like, as ultimately defined by the title. As long as you don't lose track of that you'll be ok.